


I Am But Summer To Your Heart

by AmAgusSpas



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 13 is an actual disaster with destructive tendancies and unresolved anger issues, Anger, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bruises, Crying, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Repressed, F/F, Friendship, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury, Kinda, Love Confessions, Male-Female Friendship, Maybe - Freeform, Mental Breakdown, Mild Blood, Minor Violence, Moving On, One-Sided Attraction, Self-Destruction, Sorry Not Sorry, The Author Regrets Everything, Unrequited Love, is the author projecting?, ryan is a bro to 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 19:08:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20783639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmAgusSpas/pseuds/AmAgusSpas
Summary: I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year. – Edna St Vincent Millay (The Doctor has feelings for Yaz, but doesn't get the answer she expected back.)





	I Am But Summer To Your Heart

_“Yaz…I just want to say…I like you. More than a friend. By extension more than a best friend too. I swore to myself I wouldn’t fall again but…I did. The moment I saw you. I fell so hard. You’re worth the risk, always are and always will be. Will you go out with me?”_

_“Doctor..I…”_

The same dream. Again.

Bleary eyes, half asleep still, stared up at the fretted metalwork on the ceiling. The Doctor had only wanted a very quick nap while there was peace on the TARDIS, and yet the dreams still came from her. She shuffled around on the floor, slowly dragging herself away from the folded coat underneath her head. Various bits and pieces lay scattered around her; her welding mask, goggles, several pieces from the TARDIS console, and her sonic. She had been doing her usual maintenance routine, trying to keep her beloved ship in peak condition, but weeks without sleep had finally caught up to her. The Doctor knew she was avoiding it, actively, doing everything in her grasp to stop the dreams from catching up to her. But they always did, and they were always the same.

Yaz never told her, never finished her sentence. It brought back déjà vu from her time with Rose, causing a knife to twist in her chest at the thought. Words left unsaid were so much pain, more pain than she could bear, but would it really hurt less to know the truth finally? Her weighted options lead her to keep her mouth shut, to fester and dwell on the feelings, praying to the stars that maybe that they would go away on their own. But it had been several months now, and they had only gotten worse. She was noticing every little thing that Yaz did or said, how she moved and the way her eyes followed her around the room. There was something there, she knew it…but she didn’t know what it was and that drove her mad.

“What am I supposed to do?”

Mumbling under her breath, the Doctor gathered herself up and set about returning all the pieces of the TARDIS console back to where they belonged. As she worked, she could feel the mental pull of her ship, but fought it back. The Doctor was not in the mood for any meddling, nor any kind of discussion around her feelings. She had survived thousands of years with them, she could continue to do so on her own. And yet, the more she ignored them, the worse they were. She was lonely, isolated, and so many different kinds of afraid. Her new self still craved the contact of others, still wanted them to like her and to want to be around her. She did everything in her power to give the best impression and hide the worst parts of her away. It was wrong, cowardly even, but it had to be done. The moment she slipped and the façade fell way, they would leave her. She couldn’t handle losing people again…no.

Especially not Yaz.

And there again were the thoughts. Swirling around in her head like an unstoppable typhoon. Smashing against her skull and tearing into her hearts, bringing up torrents of the good and the bad. She wanted them to leave her alone. She wanted peace and quiet inside her head. She wanted to be free of them, free of the pain they brought her, free of the fear of the unknown and the what-ifs. Fists slammed into the metal grates underneath the console, head pressing against them as white hot tears began to sting at the corners of her eyes. She was an absolute wreck. Oh, how the Doctor wanted Yasmin Khan. How she wanted to show her all the secrets of the universe, to spend the rest of her days with her, to give her everything she wanted and more. How she longed to rest her hands against her cheeks, stroke her hair, kiss her sickeningly sweet lips.

The Doctor wanted to take her on dates, both quietly serene and literally out of her world. She wanted to hold her hand, be the person she came to on nights after work to destress, be the one to urge her to be her best self. Selfishly…she wanted Yaz to be the person she opened up to, the one to break down her walls and force her to be her true self. She wanted Yaz to understand and to care for her. It had been far too long since she had had anyone even remotely capable of that. She wanted Yaz in the purest, most innocent of ways. To give her the love her twin hearts could pour from their overflowing vessels. The Doctor would give her body, her mind, her blood, everything. Humans could never logically understand the depths of love a Time Lord could give, could never comprehend the crushing weight of their dedication. But she still put all of her hopes on Yaz. Yaz, who had called her the best person she had ever met. Yaz, who had twisted her arm to go back in time to see her Nani. Yaz, who was not afraid to stand up to her and call her out. Yaz…everything was just Yaz.

“Why does it hurt so much?”

Hands uncurled, fingers falling flat against the cool metal as her tears fell unhindered. The slipped through the gaps, sliding through the many cables keeping the TARDIS together. At least her ship could keep herself together. The Doctor was slipping further and further away from herself. She could feel her body curling inwards, hair clinging to her face as sobs cracked her very bones. This wasn’t the first time she had cried, not the first time she had lost control of her emotions. There had been countless nights, when sleep eluded her, that she had let herself go. She had let the pain and sorrow and anguish burn her blood. She desperately wanted to tell someone, anyone, what was happening. Except there was no-one.

Minutes melted away, melding into an unknown mass of time. Her tears had fallen, dried to the flushed skin of her cheeks, eyes sore and bruised. Vacant eyes look on to the hallway, barely registering a shape appearing in the distance. She heard footsteps, but the Doctor made no effort to acknowledge them, only retreating in on herself further and curling her legs up to her chin. There was a beat of silence, before her vision swam with the sight of someone crouching in front of her.

“Doctor? Um, are you alright?”

A low voice, a whisper, tinged with an accent. A few more moments passed, before the Doctor realised it was Ryan’s voice assaulting her ears so softly. She couldn’t find the words, throat hoarse and dry from restrained screams. All she could do was give a gruff groan, fingers gripping the sleeves of her coat even tighter as her head vanished under her arms. She was not in the mood to talk, didn’t want to have to explain why she was in a foetal position underneath the TARDIS console. She would bury her feelings again and come back right as rain, with nobody any the wiser. Or so she thought. Ryan let out a sigh, moving way from her. The Doctor thought she was free, free to wallow and mope, but she heard a new noise.

Clink

Ryan crouched down in front of her again, the noise leaving her curious enough to remove her head from the safety of her arms. Hard focusing her eyes, the Doctor saw he was holding something out to her. Something small, and somewhat rectangular.

“Custard cream for your thoughts?”

The pedal. It was the dispenser.

Ryan had gone off to get her one of her biscuits. Which was odd, considering the TARDIS had been withholding them from her for two days now. She couldn’t help but smile, it was impossible, and the Doctor slowly unravelled one of her arms and let her numb fingers idly clutch at the offered biscuit. As she slowly munched on it, mouth already dry, Ryan too the time to seat himself down with his shoulders pressed against the side of the console. He didn’t speak anymore, just say, staring off into the distance. The Doctor appreciated that. She appreciated Ryan. With the biscuit gone, she blew the crumbs from out of the creases in her shirt, sniffling just loud enough for Ryan to hear. Realising she was going to have to come out sooner or later, the Doctor began to uncurl herself and worm her way back out into the open. She took a spot next to Ryan, close enough to acknowledge him, but far enough away so she could hide her face behind a wall of hair and fake cheer in her voice.

“Thank you.”

Ryan’s shoulders shook with a silent laugh.

“S’alright. No need to thank me for that. I’ll be more worried the day a biscuit doesn’t perk you up a little bit. Still, meant what I said. Might not be the worlds most understanding guy, kinda put my foot in it a lot, but I’ll still try and listen good. Least I can do, after all.”

She tried to smile, but her lips began to quiver again. Kindness was not something she had expected. Not that Ryan wasn’t kind, or caring, but in her darkest hour she knew she didn’t deserve it. Her arms hugged her knees again, chin resting on top of them as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I’m just a silly old Time Lord who prefers to run and hide than to face their problems head on. Nothing you wanna get caught up in, trust me.”

“Must be a pretty big problem then, if you’re taking to hiding under the console. Not big enough to not want to be found though. Plenty of places to lock yourself away, you know? I think you wanted someone to drag you out.”

The Doctor opened her eyes, head turning towards Ryan. He was still looking of into the distance, giving her her space, and yet his words struck a chord. She really could have just found one of her many secret rooms and hidden away again. She could have left the console room and come back when the mood had passed. Except she didn’t. The Doctor rode it out in the open, barely contained in her solitude. Perhaps her subconscious had been longing for contact, wanting someone to save her, to help her. To bring her out of the turmoil of her own mind. Ryan just happened to be the first person who swung by, or maybe the TARDIS had lead him to her. Whatever it was, she was entirely grateful. Walls slowly receded as she let her head fall back against the golden metal.

“Ryan, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Have you ever…Do you know what…um…I’m not even sure I know how to say this, sorry.”

How could she even put into words what she was feeling? It was hard enough trying to wade through everything herself, the conflict she felt and the warring inside her head. How could she explain how much her hearts hurt to be torn away from each other? The Doctor let out a sigh, wiping her eyes against the sleeve of her coat and laughing weakly.

“Look at me, I’m a mess. A great and powerful Time Lord, reduced to tears over something as inconsequential as emotions. I should be able to master them, all of them, but no. Right now it feels like someone is driving a crowbar into my chest and crushing my hearts in a vice.”

“Who are they?”

The Doctor paused, fear crawling down her spine with icy cold tendrils. She could feel it freezing her blood solid, paling her one flushed complexion.

“How did-”

She watched Ryan shrug, finally turning his face towards her. His eyes were soft, gentle, a light smile tugging the corners of his lips upwards.

“S’not as hard as you think, Doc. Those feelings? Mate, I’ve been there. Only two ways out; let them eat you up inside, or get it out in the open. Both hurt. I tried the first, hid away for ages, but the pain got too much. In the end, I told her.”

“What happened?”

Ryan’s smile slowly faded, face falling back to quiet contemplation. He said nothing for a moment, and the Doctor saw his hands starting to twist in his lap.

“You didn’t answer my question, you know. No changing the subject, I know your game Doctor.”

That made her laugh. Her throat was still hoarse, leaving it sounding strangled and strained, but the Doctor laughed. She had to give her companions more credit, especially Ryan. Despite what he thought of himself, he really knew how to get her to snap out of a stupor. She couldn’t fool him for a second. Although, giving an answer was harder than the poor lad appreciated. The Doctor didn’t want to ruin the dynamic of her fam with her stupid hearts. She was laughing from the absurdity of it all. Was she really so easy to read? Had she just been putting up a face for nothing? At this point, anything was possible, and the Doctor swore she was becoming delusional the more she thought about anything.

“Ryan Sinclair, I was right to call you a detective. For someone who says they aren’t a people person, you sure found me out quickly. Okay, fine. Guess I can’t keep hiding this forever, huh?”

All she had to do was say her name.

“I…It’s…”

How could she say her name?

“Yaz?”

She really wasn’t good at hiding anything at all. Either that, or Ryan was a lot more clued on than he gave away. The Doctor pressed her head harder into the metal, feeling the dull pain snaking around her skull, keeping her grounded in the moment. Hands shifted to disappear in the opposite sleeves, nails raking down her arms as she groaned under her breath. If Ryan could see…then did that mean Yaz could as well? Had she seen the whole time and done nothing about it? Perhaps that was her answer, and the remainder of the conversation was moot. But, Ryan persisted.

“Shoulda guessed. The way you look at her sometimes, like there’s something you want to tell her. Or, that you’re just glad she’s there. You always seem to be drawn to her first, and that’s cool, Yaz is pretty great. Thing is, one day you’re gonna have to tell her what’s eating at you, ‘cause otherwise she’s gonna notice.”

“But…”

For a moment, the Doctor’s eyes widened at the fear, but soon she resigned herself to despair. Hiding her face behind her hair and arms again, she came back to curling in on herself, face buried in her coat sleeves.

“What do I even say to her Ryan? How can someone as brilliant as Yaz like me? Like me back even? What if I’m seeing things that aren’t really there, making everything up in my head, ignoring the fact I’m gonna make a fool out of myself? What if…what if…”

She could feel the tears coming back, threatening to spill over, and the Doctor bit down hard on her lip as she continued to drag her nails over her skin. The panic was boiling over again, and she was growing powerless to stop it.

“What if you’re wrong though?”

The Doctor lifted her head sharply, tears cascading down onto the floor and staining spots onto her coat. Ryan was…giving her hope? Why was he giving her hope?

“W-what?”

“I said, Doctor, what if you’re wrong? It’s all well and good goin’ on about the negatives all the time, but life ain’t always doom and gloom. Dunno what’s gone on in your life mind you, still doesn’t stop you from looking at the good bits. I mean think about it; how’re you gonna know what’s what if you don’t do something about it? What’s so bad about the possibility that she does like you? I mean, it’s Yaz. You can’t tell me you haven’t seen how she looks at you. You know, like the ground you’re walking on is sacred or like, you the best person in the room. Man, check me out, I’m starting to sound like Graham. Don’t tell him that though…”

True, the Doctor was somewhat taken aback by the words. If anyone was going to give her a taste of her own lectures, she always thought it would be Graham. He was wiser than his years, and she held a quiet respect for him. Still, everything that Ryan said was right. She knew it. Admitting it freely was something else entirely however. While her mind was otherwise distracted, mulling over the words, Ryan shuffled a little closer to the Doctor. He silently watched her face fall as she thought, a vague sparkle returning to her hazel-green eyes. The Doctor smiled briefly, sniffling a few times before letting out a groan.

“Ryan…I think you’re right. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone if you don’t say I’ve been an absolute wreck.”

“Deal.”

For a while, they both sat in mutable silence. The Doctor had missed quiet companionship, just having another presence around her with no pressure to do or say or be anyone. She could feel her brain slowly knitting itself back together, regaining its composure. Sure, various parts of her body stung and ached, but she would get over that. Her head lolled to the side, brushing up against Ryan’s shoulder. The Doctor tensed slightly, expecting to be moved or have some comment made, but nothing happened. Ryan sat there, letting her do what she needed to do to feel better. It was the least he could do, and he hoped that the Doctor would be able to bounce back from it all.

* * *

It was now or never, the Doctor decided. She was about to send her fam back for one of their usual breaks back on Earth, and it was the perfect time to get Yaz on her own. There had been little to no opportunities over a two week period, and her nerves had slowly been bubbling over again. Ryan was right; the best thing she could do was to actually talk about her feelings. She was working under some kind of ruse however, as she had noticed that Yaz had been a little bit quieter than usual. A lot quieter, as a matter of fact. She could hardly remember the last time they had had a conversation. Their adventures had all been the same, she had seen the joy and exuberance, but the Doctor missed talking. Missed being around her one on one. Missed her hugs. There was a dull in her chest, growing the more she thought about it. Had she done something to upset Yaz and not realised it? The Doctor knew that Yaz was well within her rights to do whatever she wanted, but the slow change was becoming more pronounced and stars she missed her smile and her laugh. They were different when they were alone, more aware of each other. Or, at least, she was more aware of Yaz. Stealing glances wherever she could, enjoying her presence.

Okay, maybe it was a tad over the top.

Ryan and Graham had left moments ago, the former giving her an encouraging pat on the back and a knowing smile. She appreciated the gesture, only just about holding herself together through the encounter. All she could do was polit the TARDIS the short hop to Yaz’s housing estate and wait for her. Fingers idly played with loose threads inside her coat pockets as she chewed on her lower lip. She hated how socially awkward her body was, compared to the others, wishing she could turn her charm on whenever she wanted. Rather than when danger was afoot. When the Doctor finally heard footsteps coming down the hallway, she turned and busied herself with the nearest set of controls. The TARDIS whined at her, clearly concerned, but she tried to settle her ship with a wide smile.

_‘Don’t worry about me, you know I’ll be fine. Always am.’_

As if on cue, Yaz rounded the console and smiled at the Doctor. But it wasn’t her usual smile. There was something else there, something that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. She pushed herself away from the controls, hands on her hips as she gestured towards the door.

“You all ready to head off then, Yaz?”

“Yeah, not sure I’m ready to get back to work but-”

Yaz was cut off by a quiet buzzing coming from her jacket pocket. The Doctor watched on as she took out her phone, smile widening as Yaz tried to hide a laugh. She had never seen such a thing happen before, and the Doctor was entirely too curious, so much so she had no time to think before she spoke.

“Someone’s feeling good today.”

There was enough time, at least, to mentally curse herself before the atmosphere in the TARDIS rapidly shifted. Yaz slid her phone back into her pocket, shrugging her shoulders briefly before leaning back against the console.

“Oh, May just sent me a really silly photo, that’s all.”

With her arms falling slightly, and her smile faltering, the Doctor paused. She had never heard that name before, never heard Yaz mention anyone outside of her family before.

“May?”

“May. Well, her name’s Maya, May is what she’d rather be called. She’s…um…a friend of mine. From my writing class.”

The Doctor swore she had whiplash. Not only did Yaz just divulge a friend she had never heard of before, but also a hobby she had no idea existed. In the space of ten seconds, she had learnt more about Yaz than she had done in the months they had been travelling together. The information was given so freely, almost as if the Doctor should have known what she was talking about. But that wasn’t what was bothering her the most. No, the part that got to her brain was ‘friend’. There was something about the way she drew out the explanation that flagged warning bells in her head.

“Oh. Right. Well. She sounds nice. Didn’t know you were into writing, Yaz. Woman of many skills, aren’t you?”

She tried to bring her smile back, bring back the light tone in her voice, but she could already feel the sting of disappointment and jealousy burning her tongue. Either Yaz didn’t notice, or was polite enough not to say, as she gave a nod and made a move towards the TARDIS doors.

“That’s where I’m going now. I’ll see you next week, Doctor.”

Yaz made it to the doors, pushing one of them open, but paused mid step as the Doctor took a pace forward and called out to her.

“Yaz, wait!”

She needed to know. She needed to say what was on her mind. It was her only chance, and it was slipping away with every second she delayed and let Yaz walk away from her. She was safe in the TARDIS, nothing could hurt her, it was her turf. She had the advantage. And yet, the Doctor had never felt so small and afraid in all her years.

“There’s…before you go, I…I want to say something.”

The Doctor shrank her stance, left foot toeing at the metal floor as Yaz turned on her heels and looked at her with confusion. She could hear the words from her dreams spiralling around in her mind, mixing in with the words from Ryan. She had enough to go on, enough feelings and memories to back up her feelings. The Doctor was taking her chance and diving head first into the abyss.

“Yaz…there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. For a long time now. I could never find the right time, or the right words, and I think this is the only chance I’ll ever get. I’ve been driving myself mad with my thoughts, my feelings, everything. Day any night. And I need to tell you…”

She looked down at the floor, too scared to hold eye contact.

“I just want to say…I like you. More than a friend. By extension more than a best friend too. I like you in a way I haven’t liked anyone in a long time. I swore to myself I wouldn’t fall again, wouldn’t get caught up with people, but…I did. The moment I saw you. The moment my new eyes saw you, I fell so hard. It was hard, and then slow, and then all at once. I just kept tumbling further and further down. Oh Yaz…you’re worth the risk, always are and always will be. What I wanted to ask you was…was…will you go out with me?”

Teeth clenched together with anticipation, hands balling into fists at her side. Then quiet.

It was too quiet. Not that the Doctor had expected a fanfare or an equally expressive declaration, but the silence…was deafening. She lifted her eyes, looking over at Yaz. Her mouth had dropped slightly, eyes unshifting from her own, face paling with every passing second. Like she had seen a ghost. Visions of her dream came flooding back, of the endings that never happened, and the two words that always woke her up with a cold sweat and tears in her eyes.

“Doctor…I…”

The pain was coming back. Her chest felt like it was in a vice, hearts burning, finding it hard to breathe. Time was moving so painfully slow to her.

“I’m sorry.”

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry._

** _I’m sorry._ **

“Yaz?”

Yaz finally moved. Her shoulders slumped as her face fell, hands moving to her front as the wrung against themselves and her leather jacket sleeves. Her eyes looked hollow, the deep shine the Doctor loved having left her stare hazy and vacant. When she spoke, her voice cracked, tinged with hurt.

“You’re too late. I don’t…I don’t feel the same. Not anymore. I thought I did, for the longest time, and I was so scared to say anything because you’re you. You’re the Doctor. What could you possibly see in me? I’m nothing. I mean, you’re married! Married to someone…or were…or whatever. You were never available to me, not for a second. You made that clear the day you told us all about her. Then, one day, when I met someone…when I met someone else…I realised that what I thought was something romantic…it just. It just wasn’t. I don’t think it ever had been. I admire you. I look up to you. The love I thought I felt was just something deeper than a normal friendship. But not romantic. I found those feelings with someone else. Someone I have more of a chance with, a future with. That’s why I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same.”

“I…”

Unsure of what she was supposed to do, Yaz stayed rooted to the spot. She saw the knife twisting into the Doctor’s hearts, saw the agony tear across her face. Then…nothing. Nothing at all. The tears in her eyes stayed, but never fell, merely setting to stone like the rest of her face. In all her time on the TARDIS, in her time around the Doctor, Yaz swore she had never seen such a terrifying expression. It wasn’t the snarl of glee, it wasn’t the cold stare that showed her age, it was a look that set her blood running cold. A woman with nothing in the universe left to lose, and a burning rage directed only at her.

“Doctor?”

“Leave.”

Yaz took a step back, fearing the worst as the Doctor straightened herself out and stared through her. She wanted to go over to her, to hold her, and comfort her. She had never meant for anything to turn out the way it had done. She wanted to apologise, to make everything better. Yaz had never meant to hurt her, never meant to make her see red.

“Doctor, wait, please just-”

“I said LEAVE!”

If it were possible, the TARDIS shook. Violently. She could feel the vibrations under her feet, travelling through her bones and shattering her own heart in kind. Yaz had hurt the most important person.

“You think you can just toy with my hearts for this long? Think you can just give me the eyes and I’ll bend over backwards for you? Not anymore. No more honeyed words, no more compliments, no more favours. No more telling me that I’m the best person you’ve ever met because right now…right now that’s a bitter pill to swallow. A _poison_ coursing through my veins. I tried to do the right thing by you, I never wanted to catch these gods-forsaken _feelings_. But I see how it is. I see now that you were never going to tell me, never going to let me know that you belonged to someone else. Not until I was so far deep that I’d lost every molecule of myself. So no, you don’t get off on talking to me now, on trying to patch this up. You think I can’t handle this? Oh, you’ve not seen even an _iota_ of what I have. Felt the _pain_ I have. This? This is nothing. Now…get out of my TARDIS, out of my life, before you live to regret _ever_ having crossed me, Yasmin Khan.”

She reached out, but the air was too thick and burning with anger. She could feel the pain enough from where she was. Yaz let her hand drop to her side again, tears beginning to fall from her own eyes as she muttered an apology and darted out of the TARDIS. With the doors closing behind her, the Doctor stool alone, tears soon rolling down her own cheeks as she broke down.

* * *

Something was wrong. Yaz hadn’t answered her messages in three days, and dropping by her flat turned up with nothing. Her parents had assumed that Yaz was still travelling with them. Graham was convinced that she would turn up sooner or later, but Ryan had his suspicions. It was no mere coincidence that Yaz had seemingly vanished off the face of Sheffield. Armed with a packet of biscuits in his coat pocket, he made his way back towards the housing estate. That was where he knew the Doctor was last, and if anyone knew what was going on, he knew it would be her. The weather was not on his side, pelting down rain at a considerable rate. He ran through the streets, seeing no sign of the familiar blue box. Perhaps the Doctor really had gone? He continued to run, searching all the alleyways with bins and hidden corners around garages.

When he thought all hope was lost, an idea struck.

He found the TARDIS parked on top of the hill where he finally managed to get to grips with riding a bike. As he ran towards the doors, he watched them open up for him, leaving him to stumble inside and delight in the warm air surrounding him. Ryan dragged the wet coat from his shoulders, fishing out the biscuits and sliding them instead into his hoodie pocket. Leaving the coat on the hangers near the door, he studied the empty console room. Normally, the warm orange light was matched by the exuberance of the doctor, but she was nowhere to be found. There was no trace of maintenance work, no pieces left lying around, nothing to signify she was even in residence. Unlike Yaz, he found himself unable to begin conversing with the TARDIS itself. Herself. Responses never came to his questioning, only silence.

“Doctor?”

Met with continuing silence, Ryan made a move from the console room and headed down the main hallway. The ship continued to hum and buzz with life, but there was an undercurrent of unease he simply couldn’t shake.

With each new room presented to him, Ryan would take a look inside, before moving on. One thing he did notice, were the interiors. Everything started out neat and orderly, as he remembered leaving it several days earlier. But each following room looked more discordant than the last; chairs were knocked onto the floor, books scattered in all corners, pieces of glass from vases and tableware were scattered across the floor. It looked like the TARDIS had been ransacked, Surely the Doctor wouldn’t allow such a thing to happen? Never mind the TARDIS. Worry began to worm further into his mind, ready and waiting for whatever was to follow. The deeper into the TARDIS he travelled, the more sounds he could hear.

Metal banging against metal.

Something shattering.

Crying.

“Oh man…”

He didn’t have anything to arm himself with, save for the now learned ability to run away. Still, Ryan trusted that whatever was going on, was not something life threatening. With cautious steps, he made his way further down the hallway, until he came to a door half closed. The wood was decorated with golden circles, interlocking and spiralling in all directions. It was similar to the patterns he saw on the steps in the console room. All the noises came from that one place. Hands shaking, he carefully pushed the door open slightly, just enough to peer his head into the room. It was mostly dark, save for the flickering faux candles, but he could make out the complete and utter state of the décor. He also saw a figure, hunched over something, the source of the crying. Ryan knew then and there, who was lurking in the room. Far be it from him to say things broke his heart – besides his nan – but that sight was one of those times.

The crying came out in waves, in strangles sobs and through gritted teeth, making a cacophony of sounds. In the patches of light, he saw orange-red spots dotted against the dark wood floor, trailing a line up to the Doctor. Her coat had been thrown to one side, over a broken chair, cuffs soiled with mud and dirt. The same could be said of her boots, her trousers, and splatters were somehow seen across the backs of her shirt. Small patches of white shone though where the deep magenta fabric had been torn into, spattering’s of bruising marring the Doctor’s pale skin. Her hair was in no better state, longer somehow, roots overgrown and blonde streaks flying in all directions. After his moment of study, Ryan realised the noises had stopped, replaced with quiet and defeated whimpers of pain. The Doctor pressed herself further into the floor, head flush against the wood, hands dragging more orange-red through the grains.

She was bleeding.

Two options presented themselves, with wildly different outcomes. He could stay by the door and make his presence known from a distance, running the risk of being shouted out of the TARDIS by an apparently volatile Doctor. His other option was to enter the room, try and console her in person…not that he expected such a thing to happen, but Ryan knew heh ad to prepare himself for the possibility that the Doctor would lash out at him. She was a wounded, caged, distressed animal. A creature lost in between fight and flight. Whatever he did, it ran a risk. But none of them were greater than just leaving her alone in whatever chaos she had wrapped herself up in. Holding his nerve with a steadying breath, Ryan pushed the door open further. He was glad it made no noise, and if his footsteps did then the Doctor made no bones about acknowledging him. Mindful not to step in the traces of blood, he lowered himself down a few inches away from the broken Time Lord.

“Doctor?”

There was a loud sniffle, and a groan, but little else.

“What happened?”

He cursed himself for his lack of tact and care, wishing above all else that someone else had been around to notice the signs. But the task fell to him, and he was still going to try his best to salvage things. Ryan waited a few moments for another response, but nothing came. So, he tried again.

“You’re bleedin’. We need to get you cleaned up.”

“M’doin’ more than that…ha.”

From her hunched over state, the Doctor tried to laugh, but all that came out was a crackling cough and a whine as one arm disappeared under her chest.

“Surprised I haven’t regenerated honestly. It’s really bad…”

It took several moments, but the Doctor finally managed to roll herself onto her back. She visibly winced, arm still wrapped around her chest, leaving all of the damage free to bear witness to in the low light. Ryan saw the multitude of cuts on her hands, blood still weeping from the wounds, a large tear in the front of both shirts, marred with dry blood and dark bruising. It looked like she had seen a war. Ryan shuffled closer, waiting for the Doctor to tell him to leave. She didn’t. He wished he had picked up more skills of his nan when it came to first aid, or looking after people in general, but he was usually the one coming back with injuries. Before he could speak, he saw the telltale golden glow coursing through the Time Lord’s veins. It glittered, crossing over her injuries and swirling around her body. There was the faintest hint of a smile on the Doctor’s lips as she let out a quiet sigh.

“Yeah, no regenerating. Don’t want you to see that anyway. Might wanna give me a lift to the medbay though. If you don’t mind. Need some patching up, and I can’t use my hands.”

Shuffling closer to the Doctor, Ryan slid his arms around her shoulders and helped to try and seat her. It was a slow process, with a lot of coughing and groaning. Now he was closer, Ryan could also see a cut coming across the Doctor’s forehead. It looked like she had hit her head pretty hard at some point, with the cut swelling and clearly inflamed. It took a long time to get her to stand, both of them toppling at one point or another for various reasons, but they managed. Ryan propped the Doctor up against his shoulder, keeping an arm around her waist for support. It was the closest he had ever gotten to her, really, and he wished it was under better circumstances. With one leg dragging behind her, the Doctor guided him down the halls towards the medbay. One right, two lefts, another right. Judging by the surprised exclamation the Doctor made, the TARDIS was apparently giving a helping hand.

The room inside was much brighter, clinical white, fit to burst with all sorts of equipment Ryan was sure he had no concept of. He guided the Doctor towards one of the cots, seating her down and helping to sling her legs up onto the mattress. Unsure of what to do next, he pulled up the nearest chair and watched the Time Lord sink into the sheets.

“You gonna tell me what happened then?”

Smiling at the remark, the Doctor closed her eyes and clung to her chest.

“Where do you want me to start? ‘cause I can either tell you what I’ve been doing, or why I did it. Not going to like either of them, not really. I’m in a right state…”

There was so much to tell, so much to explain, and the Doctor was debating whether or not she had the hearts left to tell Ryan what exactly had happened to her. She could run, hide, feign the truth like she always did. Her charisma would save her. He would never know the difference. And yet, with kind and understanding eyes looking over her injuries, she couldn’t hide. It would hurt Ryan more not to know. She had to tell him, tell someone, let someone in. If the person she so desperately wanted was unavailable, then she would take whatever came her way.

“Dunno, whatever works for you. Guess I wanna know why you’re all banged up like this, you know? Never seen you so rough.”

_‘It’s been a long time…’_

The Doctor slowly moved further up the cot, lifting her shoulders up and back, turning to face Ryan with a weak smile. He deserved the truth.

“Well…the thing is, I’m not so good on my own. I need people to keep me grounded, keep me focused, in check. Otherwise, things start…they spiral. Don’t deal well with bad things happening, and with what I’ve seen and done, you think I’d be fine. But no. I’m not. When things get to me…I get…”

She paused, trying to find her words.

“It’s easier to see and treat physical pain, than it is mental or emotional. So, I guess I act out. Get dangerous. Destructive. Do everything I shouldn’t do. Went out to one of the old bars me and the Corsair used to frequent. Drank away the night. Takes a lot to get a Time Lord drunk, but they had ginger wine…so I was set. Few bottles later, saw a group of guys causing trouble, stepped in. Guns. Knives. Think one of them cut me with a bottle. Don’t remember much after they kicked my ribs in. Got back to the TARDIS though.”

Truth was, she did remember. She remembered the kicks to her ribs, the bottle smashing against her head, lasers firing and a knife slashing her shoulder. She remembered the pain, the blood, but it still didn’t compare to the pain in her hearts. So when she returned to the TARDIS, all bloodied and bruised, her temper flared.

“Kept seeing things that made the pain worse. Little things. So I tried to get rid of them. I’m surprised the old girl hasn’t thrown me out again. I’ve gone and broken chairs…vases…paintings…probably fractured my knuckles from hitting the walls so hard. No wonder I can’t feel my hands. Fried some electrics too, overloaded them with my sonic just so I could feel the sparks raining down on me. Did anything and everything.”

As she tried to move, the Doctor jolted forward, pain spiking through her ribs. The regeneration energy was helping, but it wasn’t enough. She would rather take another sonic mine blast. Ryan lurched forward in sync, resting a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder until the pain subsided and she could lie down again.

“Doc…”

He had no idea what to say. When his temper flared, all Ryan would do was go to the park and let his frustrations out on the dirt and trees. Once, he had fractured his index finger from flinging an awkwardly placed punch at an oak tree, but that was about it. His nan had taught him well on how to manage his temper. Then there was the Doctor. Who, on the outside, was so vibrant and full of energy. He had never once suspected that she was capable of wanton destruction. Bypassing the incident with his father. She kept everything hidden and closed off, tucked away from all of them. And now he saw it all, saw who she really was, all the pain and suffering she had to bear on a daily basis.

“Why?”

What little light was left in the Doctor’s eyes vanished, fingers clutching at her shirt and the bedsheets as she tried to hold back the next flood of tears. Her voice cracked as she spoke, reaching a lower pitch as she whispered.

“I _lost_ her, Ryan. I waited too long and I _lost_ her.”

Holding back the tears did nothing, and as soon as the words fell from the tip of her tongue, they flowed hard and fast. Her chest shuddered with harsh gasps of breath as her face contorted with agony. The Doctor had no energy in her to realise that Ryan had leant over the cot and had wrapped his arms around her. Despite the warmth and safety they provided, the feeling of acceptance, that was not enough to stitch the Doctor back together again. She buried her head into Ryan’s waiting shoulder and screamed as hard as her lungs would allow. This regeneration could not deal with loss. Not at all. She had lost Rose, and watched as they turned into a dark and dejected version of themselves as she stood on the beach with their other self. She had lost River, both to the Library when they never knew who she was, and to Dallirium on the last night they ever spent together as a couple. And now…now she had lost Yaz too. Lost her before anything had even begun. Lost her before she had even had a chance to say that she didn’t just like her…Oh no, not just that.

She loved her.

**Author's Note:**

> feelings need to be got out  
anyway here's me torturing 13 again  
everyone picks on Yaz but no I go for the Time Lord
> 
> anyway I hope everyone brought tissues...  
you can yell at me on twitter @The RainbowFox13 or tumblr @the-rainbow-fox-13
> 
> i regret everything and nothing
> 
> (awaits for death in the comments)


End file.
